viewingcamelot

What I feel I need
Is a brother for shelter,
A shepherd to lead,
An intimate protector

For whatever comes next,
But these things may not
Exist in the flesh.

What I have been given
Beyond my foolish wishes
Is strength from heaven,
Endless loaves and fishes,

And a God who provides
Before the need.

I’m sorry.
I’m a moth to flame.
My pierced soul
Shows my shame

But it isn’t tawdry.
What I admire most in him
Are his nascent noble virtues
And the way he wrestles with them.

These flashed in his expression.
I don’t know him; what I know
Is he is young and happy
And I’m an ancient widow.

I am now deciding the timing
Must have been a sharp grace;
I felt safest and calmest
Staring into his face,

While caught up in the never
My heart has never wandered
He reminds me what I’m not-
I remind myself all I have squandered.

And what I will never be
Guarantees what I can never possess,
And the pain of more rejection is abated-
More or less.

Trying to make it all make sense
Tastes like sour grapes.
I don’t know why these things are,
But after all the scuffs and scrapes

His eyes are still a sea of calm,
And my tender soul
Is still grateful for the balm
He doesn’t know consoles.

I don’t see how
These lasting impressions
Could be for me to keep,
But they resist suppression.
I can’t imagine having
A safe soul in my inner spaces,
The forgiveness he must exude;
A soul composed of tender graces
With strength enough to survive.
Somehow my weak eyes
Chose an impossible suitor,
But despite all my tries

I can’t dethrone the ridiculous affection
That I can neither allow.

These impressions became the standard
By which I now measure all men
Whether or not I mean to measure,
Even when I don’t intend.

He’s too good for me,
And no one else is him.

Scandalous, the covert widow
In her quagmire all day,
Inadvertently sealed her heart
Before it was even free to give away.
Perhaps it was self-defense
To keep me alone,
But he was gravity from the first;
In his eyes, the cosmos shone.
I try to sacrifice it, killing it on an altar,
And I always think I’m doing well,
But then I see his face
And it all goes to hell…

With one glimpse of heaven.
What an impossible mess I am

And what a lonely life I’m set to live.

Long past
Were these days present?

Some faint nostalgia calls
Like the black keys
The progression of fingerfalls
Dancing through the misery
And I was before language
When the notes played a masterpiece
Swirling through ivories and time
Did it transport me
To these days? To some beauty
That must still search out my soul?

It’s a corridor with two open doors
I felt forward; I now see back through
I hear the piano recollecting
Tenderly, as a primrose blooms,
How it sang years to me
While mine were still new
I have vague impressions
In smokey-ocean grays and blues
Of feeling these happenings approaching
Before one of them came true
Not in detailed view,
But as a series of emotional collisions.

But if, as a child, I could feel,
If, through the notes, I could see
Why did I always believe
A great Love was ahead of me?

Could I feel straight through to eternity?
Is that why I still feel Love is nearer to me?
Even closer than I think?

The Great Love Who calls and grants vision,

Who tells you what He is doing
Long before it appears,
Who describes His works
Before they draw near,
Who announces Himself,
Who blinds kings,
But gives children and paupers

The privilege to see.

I’ve felt my hand put to the plow;
I don’t want to turn back now.
I want to give You everything.
It is for You alone to depose kings
It is for me to be brave.
I don’t want Egypt back; I was a slave
As a submissive and devalued wife.
Free me to a higher purpose in life
Then meting out entertainment.
I am trapped in the containment
I will probably fail, but I’d rather try
Than live and die
In the constant shallows.
I want to walk on hallowed ground.

I want the best for him,
But as a woman,
I do not love him.

Here am I
The only beauty I’ve ever possessed
Came from Your adornments
I’ve been obsessed
With everything else
But You never let go.
I am Yours.
I relinquish control.
Make me to know Your will.
Who am I?
You love me without merit
Beyond surprise,

I am so unworthy,
You just love me anyway.

Help me be beautiful to You.

I know to be strong,
But the unexpected sight
Shakes my reserves
The lighthouse at twilight
And muddy boots,
And all my favorite things
But I have nothing to offer
Nothing to bring
And the beauty before me
Only makes me acutely aware
I will never be beautiful.
I can never belong there.

I keep saying
I’ve never known real love
Which may be true hand to hand
But You have come down from above
Not only to wear my cross,
To suffer life, to suffer death,
But You are here now
Closer than my breath
Never leaving nor forsaking.
Within this grief, my eye
Has turned to blur, my muscles
Are starting to fail me, but I
Have never been alone.
You have loved me magnificently
I have eaten all the manna my
Stomach could hold, but consistently
Complained of hunger.

Forgive me my blind fear
And the lament of unmet desires.
Take the coal, touch my lips,
Set my life on fire

And walk with me inside the flame.
All praise and gratitude belong
To You, the name above all names!

You are Love
And You are mine.

How much steadier I’m feeling
Day by day by day,
The fresh calm in my soul
Causes fear to give way
And the longer vision of grace
Gives my faith back its stay.

I feel embarrassed
Over my emotional displays
Now that I’m reminded
God’s love eternally outweighs

Every hint and whisper,
And His plan
Is worth the wait.

I took a winding trip
To see a friend of late
But in my absence, the ivy climbed
Overgrowing the garden gate
I turned to cross the meadow back
An upward glance, the sudden sight
Of a tall lighthouse on the far side
Radiating light.

I knew it wasn’t my place to tread
On private property, nor stand and stare,
But I felt a quiet gravity
Pulling me from here to there.
Too old to take the gambol
I was as close as I could ever be,
My path rambles in opposite directions
But when I close my eyes, all I see:

The unexpected lighthouse smiling back at me.