viewingcamelot

I am innocent before my fellow man.
All the whispers, the grossly maligned,
The assumption and attack,
All they withheld, all they confined
To private company

That I was rightfully due,
I am learning to give that all to You.

They have been deeply dishonest,
To others, to themselves,
And I pray You expose it all
So they may repent and be well-
Trusting You to make amends:

I hope I am long gone by then.
I stand innocent before men;

You make me clean before You
Forgiving me for not loving In Kind,
For struggling to keep You first,
To keep Your benefits in mind
To let Your love cover their sin,

For being forgiven a great debt,
And forgetting to let

The whitewashed ledger continue to reign.
I was gripped by the pain,
And I am no longer the same,
But I pray You remain here

And transform them all

To Your glory, and their benefit.

I say the company
Taught me a few things,
Like how alone we all are,
Or to never again be trusting
But what they really did
Was reflect me to me:
In their handling, and my response,
I was forced to see
How deeply I attach, work for,
Admire, and even yearn
For those who withhold from me
The most basic concern.
I asked for common dignity;
They arrogantly, smugly pushed me away
They refused to listen, to confess, to care,
And I miss them anyway

What is there to miss,
But being mistreated?
And what’s wrong with me

That I do miss them.

Why do I love the people
Who cannot or will not love me?

I’m so broken.

Today was serene;
Simple foods and children’s laughter
While we played board games
A long walk after
Then cheeseburgers and fries.

And he and I
Weathered storms to get here
We laugh with our littles
Knowing the moment is dear
And the past is clean.

All my life
I’ve longed for home, for family,
To be loved,
For whatever I am truly

But this place has changed me.

I don’t ask anymore;
I don’t seek or desire
That kind of connection
All the world are liars

What could it ever mean?

What matters now
All that can
Is giving my precious children
Their best possible chance

To fly away securely

Prepared to land.

I don’t want him.
I don’t want anyone
Ever again;

Men are horrible.

They live for their desires.
They’ll watch children burn
As long as their own fires

Keep them warm and occupied.

I wish they all knew, intimately,
The desperation of deprivation,
Of dire isolation and need

But these are curses
Coming from the redeemed,
So I bite my tongue

Until it bleeds

Because God has blessed me,
And not cursed me.

Lay no markers
On my grave-
Why do the living
Love to throw stones
At the dead?
Bury me in obscurity
In an untraveled land
Let the first time
My feet touch the soil
Be tucking them in
For a long sleep.
Tell no soul
Where I am buried.
Plant no flowers.
Allow the ground
To subside over my bones
Like ephemeral ripples
Spreading, slowing,
Birthing still meadows

And I will be Nature’s dark companion,
Her hidden treasure, her
Secret buried six deep.

If I spoke softly
Like those who manipulate you,
Could it reach back and unravel,
Can anything ever undo,
My desperate harshness?

Was there ever a force
In Heaven, or this teeming earth,
Able to dismantle the barriers,
To rewrite the circumstances of birth,
Or increase my worth to your life?

If I brushed my lips
Gently against your ear
What whispers could inspire you?
Is there a word you might hear
To help you stand your tallest?

I have nothing to please,
Nor to strengthen or establish you.
I am a silver-plated locket twirling in the sun,
Empty, with no objective value,
Reflecting light I cannot possess.

I long for all I do not deserve
And could never maintain,
It makes me weep alone,
I sleep alone in the pain
Of the constant knowing

You are
And I will never be

And you will never be
Better off because of me.

I know no one can be trusted
To be anything akin to selfless
But humans are delightful
Between their sinful messes
Funny, and warm, and clever.
Some are mighty patient, too
I am not attaching; I know better
Than to spoil the nascent view
With invitations or introducions:

I’m just saying they’re pleasant.

Another wave of letting go.
Time and distance
Wash away the memories,
And their absence and resistance
Solidifies my flight plan.

I’m not sure why I broke protocol
For an unknown people
Releasing intimate allegiance
Assuming a steeple
Where a pirate mast stood.

It’s time to chart a course
Back to places I belong
The stars are high in the sky
My sailors sing a cast-off song
Ready to weigh anchor.

I asked for safe passage here
But they thrice denied
I asked for equal treatment
And they brushed my needs aside:
There’s nothing left but the leaving.

They showed me who they are,
I revealed myself in the same.
I praised them for pittances
And why I stay safely contained
Is if they are the best

Anyone could hope to attain:
From this day onward
It is better to remain
Solitary as an oyster.

Let the day
March ahead on percussive feet
Like a child at play
Let the stamp and beat
Carry away
The victory and defeat
Of hours wasted
and incomplete

(Months old/Written in Injection Molding)